meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
