my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
