He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
