Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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