just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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