You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
