never play flip cup with pint glasses
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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