someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
