I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
