my phone needs a breathalizer
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
