god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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