I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
