You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
