Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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