i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
