People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
