I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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