did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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