last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
