Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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