My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
