Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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