I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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