On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
