What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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