did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
