I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
