I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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