I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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