This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
