remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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