I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
