Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
