Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
