Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
