My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
