This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
