Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
