Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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