Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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