my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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