I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
