Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
