I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
