Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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