He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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