god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
