Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
