OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
