He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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