my phone needs a breathalizer
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
