Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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