We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
