I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
