I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
